Prep-work
At some point in the planning process, I decided that it would fun to climb Mt. Fuji. I love hiking and being outdoors so I had really been looking for things like that to do while in Japan. I discussed this with Meredith and she wanted to climb it too; there was even a guided climb offered through the base. We decided to do the 2-day climb on the Yoshida Trail. The Yoshida trail is an 11.6-mile round trip climb from the 5th station to the summit and back. As I planned for Mt. Fuji I realized that it was a bigger undertaking than I had originally thought. I know, it’s a mountain, how does someone ever underestimate the effort needed to climb a mountain. I’m often more spontaneous than I should be, but in the end, it typically works out. I had conversations with avid climbers, went on some local hiking trails, and checked off the recommended gear list. Little did I know how healing a grueling climb would be for my heart and soul.
Knowing that this would be a daunting task I had to do some prep work. I didn’t give myself a lot of time to prepare physically, but I did what I could by hiking local places, gearing up, getting tips from avid hikers, and working harder at the gym than before. Physical fitness is important for things like this, but your mental and emotional fitness is actually more important in this case. If you are not mentally or emotionally prepared for a climb like this you will break and the mountain will win. This is not only something I learned from the pre-check details we received from our guides, but also in the words I received from those avid hikers. They knew from their first-hand experience. I wasn’t sure I was in a great emotional place, but I knew how to prepare and had set myself up pretty well to get my heart and mind in the right place.
Prior to learning my need to mentally and emotionally prepare for Fuji, I had begun to work on my emotional health. I hadn’t done a great job working through my feelings in a while; I was really good at shoving them way down inside in hopes they would never resurface. That never works out well. I won’t walk you through all of the details, but there were 3 major steps I took prior to realizing I needed to put in some heart/mind work that made a difference. First, I took an EQI test and talked through where my emotional intelligence was lacking. This was a process I went through at work with my leadership and found that my emotional self-awareness was pretty low. I feel as if that came from my habit of telling everyone I was fine and shoving all of my feelings down into the depths of my soul. Second, I worked through a book recommended to me called Numb: Find Healing In Feeling. This may appear to be a small book, but let me assure you it packs quite the emotional punch. I took my time working through the pages to learn how to better identify my feelings and give myself space to feel those feelings. Third, I joined a 10-week self-worth study lead by a counselor. It was a small group of ladies working to overcome some struggles with their self-worth. We went through the Anchored A Bible Study on Self-worth study guide. This one kicked me right in my emotional baggage. In the best of ways though because it opened my eyes to things I thought I’d dealt with, but had really only grazed the surface. I finished the bible study not long before I was set to head out to Japan. Pretty good timing to keep it fresh in my mind actually.
On the day of the climb, Tuesday, I woke up around 4:30 am. Thanks to that time-zone change. 😄 Oh well, it gave me a good amount of time to spend in meditation and preparation to conquer my mountain. I opened my YouVersion Bible app and began to read through a couple of my favorite scriptures and a couple that would speak volumes about my mountain. Psalms 118:24 is my favorite scripture; “This is the day the LORD has made. We will rejoice and be glad in it.” It brings me back to a hymn often sung in my church growing up. I can still hear my parent’s voices when I hum the tune. Deuteronomy 31:8 came up when I searched the word “fear”; I’m thankful for how this verse spoke to me that morning. I’m afraid of heights, yet will be climbing an active volcano in just a few hours. Reading and listening to, “Do not be afraid or discouraged, for the Lord will personally go ahead of you. He will be with you; he will neither fail you nor abandon you.” God would be with me every step of the way; He would help me as I ascend and descend the mountain. This journey would be one of leaving things along the way. I would drop some emotional baggage on this climb and leave pain I no longer needed to carry behind. As I wrapped up my readings I landed with 2 Timothy 1:7, “For God has not given us a spirit of fear and timidity, but of power, love, and self-discipline.” God’s power, love, and self-discipline would help me push through any of the difficulties I would encounter.
As I continued to read through scriptures I let my worship playlist wash over me as well. I gave my day and climb to God, praying for peace, safety, and strength. I asked Him to climb with me and help me leave some of the pain and hurt I was carrying on the trail. At that moment “It Is Well” by Bethel Music took hold in my thoughts. I continued to meditate on the words “So let go my soul and trust in Him
The waves and wind still know His name”. A reminder that God still controls everything around me, the waves and wind are His to command and they still listen to Him. Those words would come back again and again during my climb. I was ready to go, checked my gear for the 3rd time, and we headed out to meet the rest of the group.
The Climb
We arrived at the 5th station and received our safety speech from the guides joining us on our climb. Spike would go ahead of us and Abbe would bring up the rear. We were told this is a non-rescue mountain — your feet take you up, your feet bring you down. They told us how the mountain (active volcano) had erupted in 2014, taking the lives of 60 people. With a long list of advice from the experts, we were sent on our way and told when the busses would leave the next day. You climb at your own pace. We did expect to reach the 8th station by that evening to spend the night and finish the climb to the summit the next morning.
The beginning of the climb seemed pretty standard and relatively easy. Of course, as we went higher and higher the trail became more difficult. Mt. Fuji has several huts along every trail which offer a list of things from food and drink to having a brand added to a wooden hiking stick if you had one. Between each hut, the terrain varied from relatively easy to very difficult. The more difficult terrain sometimes required both your hands and feet to maneuver; those areas brought on lots of anxiety. Mt. Fuji is a very popular destination and is often climbed by hundreds of people daily during the summer season. I have a fear of heights and there were plenty of times when the trail felt crowded and people were moving around me exceptionally fast and I would begin to feel as though I was going to fall. In those moments I would move to one side until the larger crowd moved ahead of me. Oh, but the encouragement I would get from so many people in those moments. Obviously the look of defeat was all over my face, but people who would move past me often took time to look at me and say something like “fighting” or “you doing great”. It meant so much to me to hear those words and they really did help me press on. Meredith would often be that person too. There is nothing like a grueling climb up an active volcano to really build a relationship! She would wait for me if I was lagging a bit, encourage me when I needed a nudge, and we had so many laughs! #classicus (that’s just for her 😉)
Along with those moments where I had to stop to avoid a panic attack there were often times where I simply felt depleted of all forms of energy. Sometimes the trail ahead looked impossible or intimidating. Sometimes the wind would gust up in a way that I thought it would blow me straight off the mountain. In those moments, when I was so in my head about my inability to keep going, I could feel that still small voice of God as He reminded me, “the waves and the wind still know His name”. The moment my mind remembered those words I would begin to sing, sometimes out loud, “So let go my soul and trust in Him. The waves and wind still know His name” That was my anthem. The trail would get hard I would begin to feel defeated, but then encouragement would come and I would remember that God was climbing with me. I did not leave Him behind. I had intentionally planned to carry Him with me to work through some of the grief I was still carrying. There was a section that had all of the difficult things about it from rocks to scale to steeps rock stairs to get to the next hut. It was hard, but I made it to the next hut. I was out of breath, in pain, and I felt broken. Mentally and emotionally I just felt defeated. I leaned against the hut slid down the wall to the ground, and just cried. I needed to let it out. It wasn’t long before I began to self-examine. Why are you crying because that was hard, it hurt, and I’m tired. Are you injured, no; I’m okay. So, I wiped the tears away, stood up, and we pressed on. I needed that moment; I needed to examine my inner thoughts and speak truth over them so I could continue to move forward. I kept going and going until I simply could not go any further that day. My legs were done and I just couldn’t make it to the 8th station where we were supposed to stay for the night. After some calls were made we got set up to stay in the hut we did make it to and prepared to rest for the night, or at least until 4 am to finish getting to the 8th station.
I believe the hut we stayed in was Fujuuchi Kan. Imagine the huts as tiny houses on a mountain. They had a few different sleeping levels, a common area where people at their meals, and areas just for staff. We stayed on the first level and sleeping arrangements were efficient. What I can best describe as a large built-in cubby that could hold several adults in a line all with their own sleeping bag. We got settled in and dinner would be coming out soon. I honestly don’t recall the time, but I think it was around 7 pm. We dined with 4 other hut guests, Alen & Max from the UK, a gentleman from China & another from Japan (I did not get their names). As we all enjoyed our meal we began to talk about where we were all from, what brought us to Japan, and to Fuji. The gentleman from China had spent 4 years in Japan for university and over the summers worked in one of the huts on Mt. Fuji. He had come back to Japan to visit his friend and climb the mountain again. We continued chatting, but eventually parted ways to get some rest before rising early to finish the climb.
4 am came faster than I expected and I actually did not sleep much. We checked our packs and headed up to the 8th station. Unfortunately, we were about one switchback into our climb and my breathing got pretty difficult. We had some cans of oxygen (required for the climb) and it just was not helping. We made it to the 8th station, but I knew that at the rate I could climb and the continued elevation I would not be able to summit. Spike met us outside and asked if we would be summiting or descending. To be completely honest at that moment the best thing I could hear was that I could descend from there. I originally thought that the 8th station was the summit, so my goal was to reach the 8th station. I had reached my goal. Meredith would continue on to the summit and I would begin to descend. A few others in the group were descending as well. We had breakfast together and saw the sunrise over the clouds.
It’s all downhill from here…
How hard could descending be it was all downhill from here. I had underestimated my climb, but not my descent. I knew it would be almost as difficult as the climb; maybe not physically, but of course mentally. For the most part, the trail was a series of switchbacks of mostly dirt and small rock. Occasionally, there would be a hut or stairs to get down. The trail is at a fairly steep incline so it makes it easy to slide which can cause injury if you’re not careful. I did not really understand the best way to maintain my footing and I did begin to slip a lot a couple of hours into the climb down. I was getting back in my head about the difficulty level of the descent again. The wind was blowing a bit more and I felt a bit more exposed on this path which, as illogical as it seems, made me have moments of panic about the wind causing me to blow right over the edge. I’m always amazed at the crazy thoughts we can come up with when we stay too much in our heads. The edge wasn’t exactly a cliff and the trail was really wide because it’s also the supply route for the huts. This began to wear me down mentally because I just kept focusing on the lies my fear was telling me instead of focusing on the truth my eyes could see. When a supply truck would be coming hikers would move to the edge to let them by; every time I inched to the edge and saw that it was not a drop-off. the sides were actually built up pretty high to help prevent anyone who slips from rolling over the edge.
As I passed another hut I felt very worn down and broken again. I was beginning to feel tired and defeated. I passed through the crowd of people only making eye contact with one man and forcing a smile over my face. I continued on and hit the corner of the next switchback just as a large gust of wind came through whipping around me and taking my hat off my head and around the corner. Seemingly lost to the mountain at that point. My heart sank, that wasn’t just a hat. It was Steven’s hat; his favorite. I broke, I wept, I turned and faced the mountain and through broken words said, “God this is too much.” As those words left my mouth 3 people came up to me asking if I was okay. I told them what happened and why it broke me. Allison, Allison, and Peter then insisted I begin to walk along with them for a while. They are flight attendants for British Airways on a layover in the area. We began to move forward and I shared my story of love and loss and why I was on the mountain. As I shared the importance of the hat I also processed through why the hat was not actually what I found important. It was the memories connected to the hat. Steven wore that blue Nike hat everywhere except church. Nike was his brand of choice and if he needed a new hat there was only one option. It was always black or blue with the Nike swoosh.
My memories were still intact. The hat didn’t hold those my mind did. Through our conversations and my internal processing, I had resolved that the loss of Steven’s hat was okay and I had other ways of remembering him back at home. I also apologized to God for lashing out a bit early, although I know He understands. I trust that God was heartbroken in that moment right along with me. He hurts when we are hurting.
We continued on laughing and learning a bit about each other along the way. A few switchbacks later we had to move to the edge for a supply truck. As it passed us a young man approached us, my hat in hand. He walked up and handed it to me. He was holding on to it tightly and I had no idea how he ended up with it or how he even knew that it was my hat. It was as if God was saying, you don’t need it anymore, but you should have it. Allison quickly put the hat into my pack and we carried on down the mountain. A while later we needed to part ways as they had to go ahead to ensure they could catch their next flight. I continued on alone again but seeing them as angels sent to help me through that moment.
There were several more moments of me getting in my head, but each time someone I had met during the climb would pop up and say hello. There was a man climbing with his dad I had met early in the previous day. Later I was joined by a couple from the group we came with. Anytime I would get in my head someone would show up; distract me for a bit and then one of us would take a break or move ahead of the other. Eventually, I was met by a solo hiker from our group who finished the descent with me.
As I hit the 3-hour mark I saw the trail turn into a paved road; which meant we were almost back to the 5th station. I almost stooped over to kiss it, but I thought that would be too dramatic. Meredith joined after another hour and we took some time to visit the shrine and stores at the 5th station.
That day I was reminded that God works in every step we take. When we feel as though we cannot bear the weight any longer; He shows up and lifts that weight off our shoulders. Whether He shows up in the faces of flight attendants or a friend; He provides help. He provides hope.
- When you think you can’t do it or it’s just too much; remember, God is bigger than your weakness.
- When you feel as if you cannot go on ask God to give you one more step, and then another, and another, until you reach the finish line.
- Remember the memories live within you, and in the story you share.
“The Lord himself goes before you and will be with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged.” Deuteronomy 31:8
